1.15

“What are you hoping to change about yourself? Why are these changes important for your growth?”

These questions are important for people like me who need to rationalize everything. Just deciding to do something without an intended goal is a guaranteed way for me to fall off.

  • I hope to change my habits regarding my health. Exercising more, drinking more water, being consistent and sticking with it. this change will teach me self control and discipline. It will help me feel like my best physical self, have more energy and reduce risk for diabetes and heart problems, have a healthy body weight and image. I hope a regular yoga practice will help me connect to my body. For as long as I can remember, my body never felt like it belonged to me. It feel like a rental space, a temporary dwelling. I hope yoga and being 95% vegan will help restore that connection.
  • I hope to change my internal voice. I’ve learned that as a capricorn moon, I find my value in what I do and not who I am. To remedy this, I stopped guilting myself about not doing things. Reminds myself that I’m not a failure because I haven’t painted in a few years and I’m not enrolled in anybody’s school. I have value that isn’t tied to if I’m painting or not. I don’t need to perform and mold myself into others’ ideas of perfection to prove my value.
  • I hope to change my fixed outlook, or at least loosen up a bit. I hope to allow more lighthearted energy into myself. Not everything has to be heavy with some grand cosmic meaning.I hope to let go and be the carefree black girl I am in my head. This is important to my growth because my external activities don’t line up with my internal self. I’m goofy and think about dope things but very few people walking this earth know that other than myself. There’s a constant internal second guessing that results in me looking calm, being paralyzed and acting boring in public. I need to explore more but outside the comforts of my mind.
  • I hope to shift my consistency to myself. I will continually show up for others but never myself. I feel worse about letting others down, people who don’t care about me to the same extent, than I do letting myself down about my goals and habits.

Here’s how I plan to remedy this:

  • Water. I bought a water filter pitcher excuse I don’t like how the water in my kitchen tastes. It has helped so far, I’m drinking more but not enough while I’m home. I drink water at work though! So that’s progress!
  • Meat. I don’t buy meat anymore, if I don’t have it in my kitchen, I don’t cook it. I’m not eating it often, only a few times a week now from restaurants. (Mostly Chipotle, but I get salads and don’t get double meat anymore. Small changes)
  • Veganism and clean eating… According to my grandmother and stepdad, I’m starving myself *eyeroll* even though I’m not. I just eat more potatoes, bread and rice now. And don’t judge me because it’s a transition, I’m giving myself until January 2019 to be 95% vegan. I’m also not going to eat those weird soy chick’n nonsense things because they look questionable. Just gimme my almond milk and I’ll be just fine.
  • Exercise. My car is dead, so I ride my bike more often now and borrow my mom’s car when it gets super cold. I’m also making a conscious effort to either ride my bike or do yoga everyday and not beating myself up about missing a day. 5 of 7 days is better than 0 of 7.
  • Tattoos. I want to get a dope Dali clock tattoo this year. Maybe if I alter my skin, my body will feel like mine. Dali is my favorite artist so its a win-win situation either way.
  • Social activities. Attend more events with people. Going solo is fun but it won’t expand my social circle.
  • Making small goals. Doing little things as solutions to my triggers to eventually get rid of my triggers. Drinking tea when I’m stressed or drinking water when I feel hungry (because chances are I’m dehydrated). More physical movement when I don’t feel like being a person. Not talking to people who make me feel worse than I already feel. Talking to people that make my soul feel good. Things of that nature.

So far, so good. Progress has been happening in the three weeks of me doing these things. I’m excited to feel like me again, or feel like an even better version.

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