1.22

**This blog is becoming a collection of my random thought ramblings and I have not the slightest clue about how to title these things other than by dates. Thanks, Management**

 

I just had a eureka moment!

I want to paint beyond me showing you that I can paint, which is what I think happened in modern art. I want to paint to make you feel something or think differently. I want you to study my paintings like you would a novel, noticing all the intricacies and juxtapositions. I want you to study my paintings how I study people. I want to create work that requires labor from you, either intellectual, emotional or spiritual. I want my work to speak to you before you realize that your soul and my soul just connected in ways you won’t consciously understand. I want people to look at my paintings with the same level of astonishment as I look at the work of Dali. Pushing boundaries neither of us knew existed, breaking open boxes and destroying preconceived notions of art, black expression and being alive. I think modern painting shifted the focus from being subtle and intellectual to being bold and simplified. And that isn’t a bad thing, it just doesn’t interest me. I want to create work that can be discussed for centuries and through the course of human history, within or without the context of my life.

But for me to create the type of work I’m supposed to be making… I have to die. There’s no other way around it. The person I have been for over 20 years has to die so the next version of me can be born. That is the inevitable funeral I need to have. What I think and say need to match what I do and how I act. Right now, they don’t match because I have policed myself to the point that I’m just now meeting Lynona in her purest form. I am just now going my voice to say what I think. I’m slowly removing the poison from my life and I’ve been the source for most of it. It’s like I’m doing self surgery but no one can see all of the scars and open wounds so it feels sacred. I don’t need external validation for internal work so don’t mind me if I go silent. There are unfiltered conversations that I need to have and certain people can’t handle it or I can’t handle the gravity of those conversations with them. And that is okay.

 

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