(3.31) Clarity

Shout out to the clarity I’m experiencing! March has been eye opening.

My relationship with money and the concept of having money needs some work. I will hoard things for “just in case.” My freezer is obnoxiously packed right now with frozen greens and fruit for my green smoothies. There’s no need for it. It’s like my brain doesn’t understand that working means recurring money. All the money isn’t going to dry up if I don’t spend it right now. Relax. I really need to relax and stop being in panic mode all the time. I do not need to have 5 gallon sized bags of spinach for two weeks when I only go through 2 in that time period. I’ve done the same thing with tea and herbs/spices. I’ll buy them with the intention of making my own blends, but will be reluctant to use them because ‘what if I need them later.’ I told myself I wasn’t going to buy anymore during the month of February so I’d use up what I had… guess what happened? I didn’t drink any of it. I barely had any tea because “what if I want some later and I don’t have anymore?” Then Lynona, you go get some more. It’s such a simple answer but I don’t consider it an option in the moment. I’ve also noticed that my mom will do a similar thing but since she’s actually busy being an adult, it isn’t as obvious.

This falls in line with my personal goals for the year. I can’t change my spending and eating habits until I change my perception of money/food, and I can’t change the perception until I become aware and step back from my relationships with it. Changing my relationship with food has been less stressful than I anticipated. I’m more mindful of what I eat, how I’m eating, where I’m eating it and why I’m eating it. It’s not a shameful interaction, it’s an awareness. I know how I feel eating cleaner foods vs eating McDonald’s. My focus is on a feeling. I didn’t notice this until talking with a friend who’s goals center around ability and mobility. “I’m doing ______ to be able to do _______.” Most of my goals come back to feeling good, healthy and happy. “I’m eating better so I can physically feel good.” That feeling is rare in my family. Something is always aching or hurting somebody. Somebody always has to take a prescription. I don’t want that. I want to spend 99% of my days saying “I feel good.”

I’ve realized that when I feel good, safe and happy, I can achieve anything I want. My mindset centers myself. That sounds widely selfish but it is true, blame me growing up an only child 80% of the time. Inside my mind, there is only me, in a vacuum, until I intentionally factor in other people. I’m hyper aware of how I’m feeling all the time and feeling ‘not good’ occupies most of my conscious mind so it’s extremely difficult to focus on anything else. Very similar to a fussy baby. If a baby is hungry, all of their energy is going to communicate that they’re hungry and want food. After the baby is fed, they’re just dandy and all smiles. If my inner mind is fussy, I can’t function or focus. My inner peace is the key to me doing anything and no external force can fix my inner peace. I’m not externally motivated by anything. I can be inspired but until I decide to do something, I’m not doing it.

As my chakras come into alignment, I’m willing to fist fight anyone who tries to ruin that. I would like to say that I’m full of love, light, positive energy and love for every living creature BUT I’d be lying, my self preservation is more important than random people’s feelings. I’m not joking. We can square up in the parking lot because I went through a lot to get to this point and some buckethead mortal isn’t about to throw me back out of alignment. With my newfound alignment, comes with a newfound awareness. I’ve always been a simultaneous first and third person observer of my life, thoughts and actions ever since I could remember. Now, it’s like I’m the third person observer of the third person observer. It’s really cool to watch myself react to myself, if that makes sense. I’m still new to the concept so translating it to words might sound odd. I get weekly aura cleanses, use my oil diffuser, drink plenty of water and practice yoga occasionally. Change my diet has really provided more clarity and mindfulness to my life. I’m less judgmental of myself. I critique myself less. I allow mistakes to happen and I don’t beat myself up about it. Consistency is difficult. If self discipline was easy, everybody would do it, but it is truly a daily struggle. Being consistent for myself is something I’m focusing on this quarter because that is the only person I won’t consistently show up for. Dion could call me at 4 in the morning and I’ll answer in a heartbeat. My sister could call me, say “I’m stuck in Miami and I’m scared,” and I will get down there as fast as humanly possible. This is much easier said than done, and I’m sure it would be much easier if I knew people physically close to me who also fell down this rabbit hole. For now, it’s just me and really cool strangers in the internet.

Shoutout to March, growth, and clarity.

Happy Full Moon! Until next time,


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