**I feel like you’re getting to know me by this point. So in the spirit of transparency, I’m eating a bowl of oatmeal right now with green apples and bananas. I also added a splash of almond milk, cinnamon, vanilla extract and some turbinado sugar. Quality product.
“I’m living my best life” as Prophetess Cardi and Chance the Pastor eloquently phrased it.**
I can bend the universe into what I want it to be. That is an incredible and terrifying thought. I’m not a victim of the universe, it’s simply a reflection of what I want it to be on a subconscious level. I can change it, mold it and shape it into exactly what I want it to be. However, it becomes exactly what I want it to be. So if deep down, I enjoy the dysfunction and brokenness, I’m going to continue creating circumstances where that is the vibration or feeling they have. I read somewhere that if the deepest parts of your soul want something very different from what your conscious mind says, they’re going to be at war and you won’t get what you want. If deep down, you enjoy the chaos, you won’t be able to change the universe to accommodate your peace. You will keep attracting and doing things that promote the dysfunctional outcome. However, if you’re actually exhausted and sick of being in chaos, you can start to see the shift in the universe into being more peaceful and serene. I had this epiphany a few months ago and then another one a few weeks ago. I’m watching my world change in real time to what I want because I got sick of being confused and annoyed. I couldn’t figure out why I kept attracting these unpleasant things and people. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like I was in a cage all the time. I honestly and truly could not figure out why I felt trapped, isolated and unloved when there are obvious examples in my life to prove the opposite. You can bend and mold yourself into what you want to be. Guess what? Who you are right now, is not who you were before whatever happened to change you. You weren’t always insecure, jaded, scared or defensive. There was a point in your life when you didn’t know what a boundary or a ceiling was. You were just you, in your most pure form. You were free until someone but you in a cage. That someone is usually our family, our pastors and society. Watch toddlers play, and you will see what I mean. Do not misunderstand me, this is heavy and terrifying. It places the responsibly back onto you. It goes against the basic principles of Christianity. If something doesn’t go the way you want it to, it’s on you. It could be lack of preparation, lack of effort, or lack of confidence. Lack of resources isn’t an excuse anymore. If you want something, you will figure out how to get it even if it kills you. If this particular idea doesn’t work, it’s because of my intentions, my subconscious/unconscious beliefs, not another person. It’s me. I’ve been saying for the past 3 years that I wanted to be a fine artist. But deep down, the thought of making art was paralyzing. I’d get performance anxiety while I was alone. That feeling little kids get when everybody is watching them all of the sudden is the same exact feeling I got when I sat down to paint a simple fruit or sphere.
You are in an energetic, emotional and mental gridlock when everything isn’t in alignment and agreement. You can’t function or do anything in the gridlock. I wonder if I have finally gotten out of the gridlock, or if I became aware of it and decided to change it by unbelieving some things and really deciphering what are my thoughts and what other thoughts were given to me by my parents and other various adults. That is how I can get out of the gridlock and have the freedom to move and bend how I want to. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I don’t feel stifled and restricted. I honestly believe that I can indeed bend my universe to my will. It will be interesting to watch myself act on that since I don’t have the daily restrictions of other people living with me. I feel like “manifesting” is really just you telling yourself what you want and solidifying it for yourself. Manifesting is your first person and your third person coming together in agreement of how to move forward and accepting where you currently are. You’re not really telling the universe anything because you are part of the universe and the universe is part of you. (Seriously, go watch A Wrinkle in Time, there are simple yet wildly complex nuggets of wisdom in there.) Its more like zooming out from yourself and saying “I want this and I’m going to get it.”
After some introspection, I realized that my success-related anxiety came from my father. I was such a daddy’s girl growing up, I’d bend over backwards to make my dad happy. Thinking back, he crushed a lot of the goals I had by telling me I wasn’t working hard enough and I wasn’t hungry enough for it.
Some important background information:
My dad is an electrical engineer who graduated from Carnegie Mellon University. CMU was one of the best schools for electrical engineering possible in the late 80s/early 90s. He had been programming computers since he was in elementary school. He created a program to learn German for the sole purpose of reading Einstein’s original writings. Yes, you read that correctly. He wanted to read Einstein’s original writings in German. My dad has been a huge nerd his entire life and he knew he wanted to work with computers from a very young age. My dad is also very close minded and is really bad at putting himself in other people’s shoes without judgement. I am not my dad. I’ve changed dream careers twice since I was 17.
I wanted to be a WNBA player, an astronomer, a chemist, a forensic anthropologist, a fine artist, a graphic designer, an industrial designer, a mechanical engineer, the list goes on. Because I wasn’t relentlessly pursuing my goals in elementary and middle school, he was convinced I was already behind the curve. (EXCUSE ME!!! That isn’t something you should say to a child!!! Ever!!!! SERIOUSLY DON’T EVER SAY THIS TO A CHILD OR I WILL SLAP YOU LIKE LOUISE BELCHER!!!) Needless to say, I gave up on everything before I actually tried. I’ve never fully invested myself in anything. That isn’t a hyperbole. I don’t know how to throw myself completely into anything, there is always some reservation. Somehow, I got away with investing only 40-60% effort and satisfying the requirements until I graduated high school. I was in the International Baccalaureate program so my GPA was extra weighted. I think I squeaked our a weighted GPA of 3.4 or something around there. The last time I made Honor Roll was probably elementary school. I usually had a ‘C’ or two and didn’t really care. I made sure not to fail anything . . . unless it’s precalculus because there’s no saving that for me. My dad had already programmed me to think I’d never be good enough or catch up to where he was at my age. He caused most of his disappointment about my grades. I didn’t believe that my maximum effort would ever be good enough, so I never applied it to school or anything else and that evolved into me honestly not knowing what I’m capable of doing in any capacity.
Investing my full effort scares me because I have no concept of what it looks like. I know my partial effort is dope but my full effort has the potential to be incredible and mind blowing. I just haven’t been sure I was ready to see it until recently. I think I’m ready to find out what it looks like. This blog is great tool for me because it allows me the space to fully express my thoughts and ideas but also forces me to make them cohesive for publishing onto the internet. I may never be a writer but writing allows me to work out my thoughts in a pure environment without the limitations of an external conversation.
I have this really bad habit of being an excellent thinker and a procrastinating do-er. As shown by this post itself, I started it as a voice memo on March 31st while walking to Walmart. It is now the 11th of April. (Hey, I never said I was perfect and consistency is a personal goal for Q2.) So after dealing with the stress and trauma of 2015, the destruction of 2016, and the confusion/breakthroughs of 2017 . . . It is now time to put things into action. I spent Q1 getting my energy and chakras together. I decided which healthy habits I wanted to start and they’re all things I can accomplish on a daily basis with discipline. Now it is time for the stressful part. The part where I throw myself into things AND THEN make the determination if they work or not. I’m specifically referring to painting. I need to learn to trust myself enough to not quit when it gets ugly. Spoiler: all paintings look ugly and not quite right in the middle of them, that’s why they aren’t “finished” yet. I made a post awhile ago that was me telling myself what I need to hear. Here is the link (Click me!) I’ve learned that I trust my intuition about people and I trust myself when I’m cooking. The kitchen is a place where I like to experiment and go with my gut. When I second guess myself, the food never turns out right. It’s usually horrible when I second guess and I throw it away for no one to ever know about. I don’t really follow recipes. They are more like helpful suggestions than strict instructions to me. When I figure out how to transfer that same energy, I could create some exceptionally dope work.
Allow me be extra candid for a second. I’m not built like an “artist.” I’ve been lying to myself and everyone around me by saying “I just need to feel inspired before I can create. The mood has to be set and everything has to be perfect.” The lie detector test determined that was a lie. *insert eye roll at myself here* I am a thinker and a problem solver. There are no less than 10 paintings floating around in my head right now that I have no idea how to execute. My theatre portfolio would suggest that I could figure out how to do it but the stress it takes to get through a painting is a lot. My best work has brought out screaming, crying and saying “I quit” countless times during the process. But then I get things like this:
I’m just starting to understand that not everyone can paint like me. I worked hard to learn the craft but there is something else, a bit of magic, that allows me to do it with a little more ease than others. In high school, my art was trash. It looked terrible, I didn’t show people for a reason. College forced me to level up and I had incredible professors that saw how frustrated I would get when the canvas didn’t look like the image in my head. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I’m fully capable of painting anything I desire, even if that thing is a hyper realistic squid coming through a window.
Q2 is a “go” button for me. I going to start doing things that I’ve been procrastinating on because I’m literally out of excuses now. Every excuse I had a year ago has been resolved. My goals now are really just a matter of me doing it . . . Like this post that was supposed to be done three weeks ago. I’ve revised it no less than six times and wondered if I should really put it on the internet but there is someone like me who probably feels the exact same way and needs to read this. So dearest future person, here is your reminder than you can actually do that difficult thing your S.O., your parents or your sneaky best friend thinks you can’t do simply because you haven’t done it before. They are going to offer useless advice and backhanded compliments. They might side eye you and ask you obvious questions like “how will you ever turn that into a career?” Just look at them, smile and distance yourself graciously. One of two things will occur, either they will eventually see the vision too and come back around to support you or they will be mad and try to sabotage you. But, please, do yourself a favor and don’t bet on any of these occurrences, always bet on yourself.
Shoutout to evolution and personal breakthroughs!
Happy New Moon in Aries!
Until next time,
(a.k.a that one girl you know with the dope food and *flame emoji* playlists)