I’ve been vacillating between two different energies. I’ll go through a period of ‘lets create all of this work, generate these ideas and produce them,’ followed by a period of self reflection and goal setting. Right now, I’m switching back into my creative gear while learning that my creativity isn’t isolated to painting. This blog is an extension of the things I can’t translate to paint, so I write them.
A really dope thing has been happening and I’m super excited about it but I low-key feel guilty at the same time.
I’m literally watching my mind, my thoughts, my body, my appetite, my goals and my habits evolve in real time. I’m watching myself become better and it’s beyond cool! I’m been doing this mostly in isolation which has been amazing. I’ve worked though feeling absolutely horrible to learning that I’m a fantastic, amazing, creative, dope, ambitious and an all around great human being that is learning and evolving into something she couldn’t have imagined. If you would have told me 3 years ago that I’d be eating a plant based diet, drank cucumber water and didn’t let other people’s foolishness get to me, I would have looked at you like you had 5 heads. I actually believe in myself and the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality didn’t help at all. I don’t feel like an imposter and I don’t feel inadequate. I don’t feel like the weight of the world is constantly pushing against my chest and I don’t feel small and invisible. I feel like I can be a person and function as a person who creates their own reality and manifests their goals into accomplishments.
I’ve made some decisions about how I’m going to navigate the world and myself.
- I don’t want to be a slave to my cravings, habits or addictions.
- My mind more powerful than my superficial desires.
- I reject other’s labels or definitions of me, my goals, and my humanity.
- The things I put into and onto my body are going to serve only one of three purposes: comfort, expression and nutrition. Success is when I can achieve all three in the same thing but shame won’t follow if I consume something purely for comfort or entertainment.
Making these decisions is me actively snatching back my autonomy that my ancestors didn’t get the change to reclaim. I determine my present and my future, regardless of my past. My ancestors weren’t able to move around like I can right now. Acting as myself with my independent decisions is an act of open rebellion against racism, sexism, white supremacy and institutional religion. It is a blessing that I can rebel with my existence without fear of physical consequence. The respectability politics they had to deal with no longer apply to me. My hair will never ever be too big, my voice will never be too loud, and my goals will never be too ambitious. Observing my interactions with people now compared to a few years ago has been insane and amazing and great. The fear I used to have dealing with people I thought were better than me no longer exist because some people aren’t qualified for the positions they currently hold. And how dare I think I’m less than anyone else simply because they accessed a position or opportunity before I knew about it? Exactly, it’s ridiculous on every level.
Everything ain’t for everybody. If I’m “too much” for you than I’m not for you, and that is perfectly okay. I can’t handle being around some of my cousins for long periods of time because they’re waaaaaaaaay more extroverted and loud than I’ll ever be. They would rather be out with friends while I’d rather be in the quiet of my solitude. My Palo Santo burning, green smoothie drinking, Game of Thrones watching, Cardi B listening, occasional yoga practicing self may not line up with you. That is perfectly fine.
I mentioned that I felt guilty . . . I do. I shouldn’t, but I do. That survivor’s guilt has been kicking in lately. With all these epiphanies occurring, I don’t fully know how to explain them yet. That makes it difficult to describe to people, especially the ones that care about me. My mom probably has the best idea but even I can’t explain it to her fully and we have similar thought processes. Some people don’t understand the gravity of openly rejecting systems and programs I was engrained with as a little Black girl growing up in church, with divorced parents and constantly being one of a handful of Black kids in every setting. I’m actively breaking the belief of inadequacy that I’ve interacted with in every part of my life. From needing a “god” to plan my life for me, to my hair being too big and curly, to society telling me I’d never be smart enough to accomplish my dreams. Frankly, that is all incorrect. I reject it. Y’all can keep it. I’m not a fan. 0 / 10, would not recommend. Hard pass. Because all belief systems boil down to one decision about the reality you want to live in. That question is usually “can you create your own reality?” Most people say no without realizing it. Adopting the religion of your parents is one of these decisions. And before you get offended and in your feelings, I’m not saying religion is bad or evil. Religion provides a few different functions in culture. It creates a common basis for human relation and comfort, an external source of faith (and fear), a moral code to hold yourselves and others accountable to, and basic explanations of the universe and various human scenarios. Subscribing to religion just isn’t for me because I believe that I can shape and shift the universe.
With all of that being said, the guilt kicks in when the people I know and love haven’t reached a similar crossroad and make their religion/diet/habits a choice, rather than a thing they have always done. This solidifies my theory that I exist in this particular timeline as the type of person to disrupt old patterns, and some of my favorite humans have also occupied this role. Janelle Monáe is my absolute favorite creative because she disrupts simply by existing as herself. By being authentic, there isn’t anyone alive to challenge her dopeness. She doesn’t try to be anyone else in a world full of copies. Either you love her or she isn’t for you and she doesn’t seek to change that. I want everyone in my life to feel how amazing it is to have their autonomy, rebel against the generational programs, heal the generational trauma and begin to live our lives as we see fit without regard for anyone else’s minuscule opinion. I choose to do this through a plant based diet and my giant list of things to accomplish before I transition. If that means my mom has a house in the suburbs with 3 libraries and an unlimited supply of chocolate covered pretzels, then so be it. If that means Dion travels the world dancing wherever he wants and which ever style he chooses while eating all the street food, then so be it. I want all of us to live our lives with blatant disregard for white supremacy, racism, homophobia, transphobia, and every other oppressive system that boils down to people not minding their own business and trying to control someone else’s.
I really want all of us to win because there isn’t any fun in doing well when everyone else around is stuck in the Matrix.