Confession #18

Confession time: I’m not really good at standing up or speaking up for myself.

I can do it for others with no problem. My baby sister, friends, children, etc. but me? Eh. Not my strongest skill. And speaking up about my inner thoughts, emotions, or shadow work? Unless you’re an energy worker, forget it.

I’m an introvert who spent most of her life socially solo. Yes, I had friends in school but we only talked about school or teachers. And I had church friends but we were only friends each Sunday from about 8 AM until around 3ish PM. About once or twice a month I’m utterly baffled that Dion is still my best friend after 5 years. I guess long term friendships are common for the rest of society.

I’ve only discussed this with a handful of people but I’ve been doing some major overhauls over the past two years. Most people I know probably haven’t noticed but that’s fine. Flying under the radar is my comfort zone. I’m used to people not noticing me. Okay, that sounds really bad but there’s a level of freedom knowing that no one is watching me like how the public watches famous people. I can pretty much exist in peace. I’m doing this work, it’s been changing my relationships with myself and other people. I’ve had to disconnect from a few and reconnect with others. But there’s one I’m struggling with the most for really dumb reasons that have an obvious solution. I’m loyal, patient and optimistic. Those might be my biggest downfalls and forms of self sabotage because I look past certain people’s actions and into their potential instead. I get invested in who they can become instead of recognizing who they are right now. I know, I know, I’m not proud of it but I’m aware. I want to see all of us succeed and flourish in every area of our lives but that doesn’t mean all of us are going to flourish together. I try my best to hold space for the people closest to me. They are the ones with unlimited access to my time and energy for anything they may ever need. If I hear my phone, I’ll answer (I sleep like a rock so I might not hear my phone ring sometimes). But when that open space isn’t reciprocated, it sends me back to sitting along in my room as a kid wishing I had friends to talk to about my thoughts. And I wonder why my throat would hurt when I felt overwhelmed, throat chakra all types of blocked. Rather than feeling like I was in a soundproof glassbox, I stop talking and explaining and go journal in my iOS notes. Most times, writing these thoughts helps me process them rather than trying to verbally explain them in the moment.

2018 has taught me to match the energy, or lack of energy. Stepping back has been killing me because of the “what if they need me” thoughts. I’ve made myself available. My number is the same. If they need me, they know exactly how to find me. And guess what happened . . . My phone has had much fewer notifications. Like, barely any from not-work or not-parents. Not going to lie, my feelings were hurt for a solid 2 months, but I learned the difference between convenience and significance. I was convenient to too many different things that didn’t serve my highest good and fed into my lowest vibrations.

I’m learning that speaking my truths and exploring them will hurt some feelings, but prioritizing those feelings over my freedom and sanity is not healthy. My parents’ feeling might be hurt by the fact that their expectations killed any motivation I had. This isn’t malicious but its an observation. I don’t blame them because they were dealing with a lot while also trying to raise a small human. Allowing that to affect my ability to express myself only throws me back into the glass soundproof box I’ve been trying to break out of for years. I don’t blame them for doing it, I just recognize it and do the self work to correct it.

So if you feel like I’ve withdrawn from you, I have. Not necessarily because of anything you did so don’t feel attacked. I need space in general, I’m here if you need me and I don’t hate you. I love you more than you know, I just have to learn how to deeply and truly love me to the same extent.

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