I often debate how much to post on this blog because there are people who know me in real life but don’t actually know me and would be surprised if they read these types of thoughts. But in the spirit of integration and truth, I’ve decided to do it. Correction: my spirit guides have been yelling at me to do this. Segmenting myself isn’t healthy and it’s my most developed defense mechanism. Yes, I’m scared out of my mind to do so. Yes, I’ve been having this internal monologue since yesterday. Yes, I’ll be extremely mortified if the people who had to witness this yesterday actually read this post because I have approximately 254 insecurities and they all decide to show up around them which is why I sit in my room, by myself, drinking tea and blogging. But . . . onwards and upwards. Just so you know . . . I’m still not ready.
I am that person that now has to feel their feelings in real-time and it makes me feel worse when this affects other people but I can’t stop it. It’s one thing to sit in my room, by myself, and sob uncontrollably for two days. It’s different when I’m in constant contact with the thing triggering me without a break or being able to leave and gather myself.
Imagine how stressful this can make my life. Just imagine.
So look… this weekend was dope until it wasn’t and I started having a healing crisis and spiraling AT. THE. SAME. TIME. I’m a horrible actress. I can’t pretend that my life isn’t descending into shambles if all I’m doing is sitting in one spot with people looking directly at me and I can’t go hide. Well that is exactly what happened. It’s embarrassing. Mortifying. Terrifying. And the utmost levels of horrible. Sometimes, I really need to have a shower cry with some eucalyptus essential oil and loud music.
I have two friends. Jay and Brian. Excellent humans. 10/10, would recommend. Jay is basically the social Black girl I want to be in my head but know that I’ll never be. There’s just one problem that happens every single time I’m with both of them. Every single insecurity I’ve had for as long as I can remember hits me like a bus on I-95 and then runs me over like a train without functioning brakes. I’ve worked through a good chunk of my insecurities, but I feel like an outsider when I’m with them. And I know they don’t do it on purpose, it just happens because (1) I’m a couple of years younger than them, (2) I’m much more introverted than they are, and (3) my social habits/priorities are different from their’s. They really asked me if I met anybody in Daytona yet that I’m not related to. I tell them that I only go to work and the grocery store. They must have thought I was exaggerating. I don’t “meet” people because most dudes are annoying and very few people share my interests as a 24-year-old. There is also a whole list of cultural differences that I won’t get into right now because they aren’t relevant at this moment. This easily triggers the thoughts of “not being enough” and it all goes downhill from there. (Interestingly, Dii recently had a whole ‘being enough’ reiki session with me and I’m sure I failed that test.) Yesterday was absolutely horrible simply because I wasn’t ready for it. Usually, I have time to mentally prepare for the bus to hit me. A couple of days notice to meditate and try to stop the thoughts before they start. This time, I didn’t know it would happen until 45 minutes before it happened. For anyone who has met Jay, you already know how dope she is as a human even though she has some major flaws like not liking bananas or cinnamon. She’s charming and social and extroverted and great around people. Yep, I’m none of those things at first glance. You have to eventually hang out with me to figure out how dope I am or get an introduction from a close friend of mine. If I say “my friend,” I can only be talking about one of four or five people. None of them live close by because life, and life after college, is trash.
On a normal occasion, I interact with both of them or just Jay for a couple of hours and then we part ways. Four hours is the maximum length of time my psyche can handle before I get hit by the insecurity bus. The most annoying thing about the insecurity bus is that it only hits me in this specific situation and I can usually keep it at bay until I get back home. Eleven full and consecutive hours is a long time to be constantly triggered without a way to healthily self-soothe. To make it worse, I couldn’t even use a nap to cop-out because my brain decided that this negative feedback loop was much more important than taking a break and sleeping for a bit. I thought “maybe some wine would calm my nerves and brain.” I was wrong. It did not. It made everything worse. I enjoy scripts and patterns. Predictability is preferred. Usually they will talk for an hour and then ask me a random thing, I chime in a few sentences, and they go back to their A-B conversation. Cool. This works. I can navigate this successfully for a couple of hours and then take some deep breaths later.
We all met up around 12:30(ish), and before we even got to Keke’s I started spiraling. I knew it was going to be bad, so I occupied myself on social media to calm my brain down. By the time I order, I’m not even hungry anymore because my body’s reaction to emotional and energetic disturbance is extreme nausea and either being silent or talking loudly about nothing important. Don’t ask me why I’m like this. If I knew, this post would be titled “How Lynona Fixed Her Self in 6 Easy Steps.” But it isn’t, because I didn’t. I’m still working on it. This might be a thing I ask my cards later. After trying to gather myself and put it together, we left Keke’s and went to Avalon Beyond because I wanted candles. Currently living in Daytona, my trips to Orlando have become more rare. It’s heart breaking because I’ve wanted local honey from the farmer’s market for over a month and the one time I’m there on a Sunday, Florida acts like an entire terrible weather having fool. THE DISRESPECT. In October, on my way back home from my friend’s wedding in Mount Dora, I stopped by Avalon Beyond to get some Palo Santo and a crystal or two. I walked out with two dressed candles and not a single regret was two be had. The larger white candle was dressed for meditation and smelled like mental clarity. The smaller white candle I had dressed to aid in communication with my transitioned grandmother. The candle smelled like fresh linen with a hint of vanilla. Two scents that remind of her instantly. I’ll make a separate post about my dressed candles.
BUT THESE CANDLES DOE!!!!!
By now, we all know that my interests are a little left of center. I’m trying to learn to accept that I won’t ever be “normal” and this weekend put that on blast with distinct clarity. I get really excited about things like candles, herbs, chakras and meditation. It could sound like I’m speaking a different language at times. I had been thinking about getting more dressed candles for a while and now I was in the correct zip code to get them done. Lit. I go in with the intention of getting dressed candles but I didn’t decide what I wanted them for beforehand as an exercise in trusting my intuition and not second-guessing it like I do with everything else on this planet. And since I’m living this new life of intention, I got three because this is a personal and universal 3 year, it just felt right. I stood there, took a moment, and thought of three things I need a little help with. The first was meditation. The second was my intuitive/psychic abilities. The third was to help my throat chakra because I had a lump in my throat and the pit of my stomach since 1 pm. While she was dressing my candles, she mentioned at one point she felt a guiding hand in the middle of her back and she ended up adding more protective and guiding herbs. She also mentioned how she felt my ancestors and guides really want to communicate with me. My purple psychic candle has elderberries and elderflower. It never occurred to be that this particular plant is protective and was used to watch over gardens until she mentioned using it in relation to ancestral ties. I mean . . . “elder” is literally in the name. How in the world did I miss that connection? By this time, it was around 2:30. Still spiraling but in functional shambles. One day, I’ll be able to freely articulate when and why I feel like a walking waste of space in real-time, until then, we can all enjoy these delayed posts onto my blog. Getting things I like helps give me a break from the despair of social isolation. I only had three missions in Orlando: get dressed candles, get a bunch of herbs for my plant diet, and get local honey. The honey didn’t happen due to the weather and nobody felt like making an extra stop to another apothecary. So I only completed one mission, but it was the most important. Still a “win.”
We leave the apothecary and just hang out for the rest of the afternoon. Just know that Wine-infused Lynona can’t be held responsible for anything that is said because she just word vomits everywhere about anything until she decides to shut up because she’s talking too much about things nobody cares about other than her. I’m sure a therapist and Wine-induced Lynona would have some very important conversations because the filter does not exist and neither does the limit. We are over sharing and thoroughly explaining everything to the fullest extent which ends up being a 7 minute monologue about Black women “marrying down” and my thoughts about community gardens.
Let us all remember that its only 6 pm by now and ALL of this has happened. But wait . . . It gets worse.
I’m very observant of people and that does not help me when I start spiraling because it only gives my brain false evidence to reinforce the negative voice in my head. I notice that the conversations between Brian and Jay are much more open and natural than conversations I have with either one individually. Turns out that I’m rude and hard to talk to. Yes, learning that did feed into the spiraling but more importantly, it shocked me because I thought I was really easy to talk to about anything. Apparently not. This whole time, it never occurred to me that opening up to me was difficult. This is why I have to check in with people and ask them things like “how do you see me?” or I will never know. I enjoy being told about myself so I can be a better human, the best time is not when I’m spiraling but I didn’t say I was spiraling so how would they know that? #ThroatAndSacralChakraProblems I’ve never said this to either one of them for obvious reasons, but hanging out with them is feels exactly like when your mom says “take your little sister” because the little sister is socially awkward and doesn’t have friends of her own. That’s basically how my entire childhood felt except that I didn’t have any older siblings so it was me sitting by myself with my nose in a book or playing video games in my room. I only have natural-feeling conversations with people I tell too much of my life to like Dii or Dion. I’ve started many conversations with “EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I DON’T WANNA BE ALIVE ANYMORE.” Not with the intention of enjoying my own death, but more so to enter another lifetime and try doing this again because I’ve already ruined the pleasant trajectory of this life. I’m so far off course that I might as well be adventurous and try new things like tarot and being a bartender.
At this point, I’m sending Dii my stream of consciousness and he does this incredible thing where he validates and redirects for self-reflection. It’s amazing. Is that a love language because it should be. Can you lovingly see me struggle and not make me feel horrible about it? Because look . . . not many people can do that.
So around 9 pm, Brian starts to bother me. Brian never bothers me. He will usually just leave me in peace until my weird mood passes. This time he didn’t, which made me want to fight him and cry in a corner at the same time because that meant people could see me not be okay and that isn’t okay. Apparently I was ready to snap on somebody on FaceTime, I don’t fully remember this happening, therefore I can deny it if necessary. I just remember wanting everybody to pretend like I wasn’t there so I could keep myself from bursting into a lake of tears and overflowing emotions. Being seen is terrifying for me. I’ve gone my entire life flying under the radar. I’m never the first person anyone calls or texts about events. I’m never the life of the party, even at my own party. I’ve definitely left my own party before and it probably took everybody an hour to notice that I was gone. I exist on the lowest possible key. I don’t go out. The thought of going to bars in Downtown Orlando with friends and having fun just sounds like a level of stress that I don’t have large enough crystals to deal with. I’m perfectly content watching Sherlock on Netflix or Game of Thrones for the 9th time while eating sorbet and drinking tea. If I’m feeling fancy and crazy, I can get a bottle of alcohol that I will barely drink. So someone saying “I see you” is paralyzing because I don’t know what to do after that other than curl up in a ball and cry. Rei made me cry multiple times during our conversation. Luckily, I had something over head and could shed a few thug tears in peace.
Eventually, I was able to fall asleep after the most triggering day of the past 6 months.
Then . . . I woke up this morning and my physical state hadn’t changed. I was still nauseous except now I also had zero energy. Have you ever been so physically drained that after you took a shower, you need to sit down and rest while you contemplate which parts of your body actually need lotion/oil today? Definitely only moisturized my forearms, hands and ankles today. I had to concentrate to get much-needed caffeine from a Starbucks that I knew. The more I moved, the more nauseous and light-headed I felt. Feeling the car riding on the road was giving me a headache. And it was cold outside so I just wanted a blanket and to sleep already. Who needs to go to work? I really thought about calling out because I felt so horrible. I wanted to cry but didn’t have the energy to do anything but sit still like Khal Drogo after the whole witch debacle.
I didn’t start feeling like I would be okay until around 2. I could walk around, breathe, and not feel like I was dying. And it’s Monday which means the restaurant was slow. Bless.
This weekend highlighted a few things.
- Avoiding the triggers doesn’t make them go away. The reaction to them will be waiting for you at the door whenever you open it again.
- Talking to people to help ground you helps. If they are really your friends they will listen, understand, and help support you.
- Speak up. That’s it. That’s the lesson.
- Your friends don’t enjoy seeing you down and most times they want to help if they can.
- Carry more crystals friends and keep Florida Water on you at all times.
- Learn how to articulate comfortably and without fear of being judged.
I have to learn how to overpower my brain when it starts to convince me that I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or charming enough. I’m perfectly fine until I start comparing myself to certain people and it goes downhill very quickly from there. I’m Lynona. I’m me. There is no other person who will ever walk this earth as me. I understand the logic of this statement. I’m perceptive, resourceful, funny, and have a huge heart. I can’t really put those things on Instagram while other people are traveling the world and getting married. It’s very easy for me to fall into the trap of unnecessary comparison on a bad day. And that’s what yesterday was. It was a bad day. A struggle. A day the universe took to expose somethings I need to work on. They happen sometimes. The most important thing is to learn how to better navigate a day like that.
This got to be pretty long but was worth it to consolidate into this form. I’m very worried about Jay and Brian reading this. I hope they know that I love and appreciate them even though I can be socially awkward and boring most times. I really don’t understand why they hang out with me but Brian told me to stop asking that ridiculous question. He told me a few years ago that there isn’t anything outlandish enough for me to say that would cause him to disappear. That is a real fear that I’ll explore at a later date.
Thank you for reading! This was equally therapeutic and paralyzing.
I’m going to drink some Holy Basil and Side Piece honey because my shipment arrived!