Today, I woke up, brushed my teeth, drank some water, and did a reiki meditation for 10 minutes. And I really ain’t been right since. The world feels different. It doesn’t “feel” like the same planet I’ve been waking up on for the past 25 years.
Everything feels odd. My very few interactions with people today have felt out of the ordinary. Three. I’ve interacted with three people today. This is normal for me. And after this morning, it shouldn’t be (???).
Being an only child with an introverted mother formed me into a pretty self sufficient person. Other than texting maybe one or two people, I don’t feel the normal itch to be a “people person” like my extroverted counterparts (read: literally the rest of my family and social networks). I have managed to isolate myself to the point that navigating society feels strange.
Examples? Because this sounds wild right?
- I haven’t heard a single Future album/mixtape. Not exaggeration at all. I only know March Madness because that’s the song Chris Brown did the flip to that one time.
- People are really out here proudly homophobic. I genuinely don’t get it. But maybe minding my business is just something I do naturally more than others.
- Some of y’all really think that Black + Queer people don’t exist. And when I remind you of this, the response ranges from “we don’t do that” to “that is a white people thing.” At that point, I mentally tap out and try to never talk to that person again, or at least avoid that topic of discussion.
- My ability to be within a 20 minute driving radius of my family and not talk to them is impeccable. And I avoid them for my sanity. There’s just too much constantly going on with them that could be avoided with better decision making. Control your semen/eggs people. Just please do that for me. I don’t care to hear about your baby father not “doing his job” as a parent because you let this knuckle head impregnate you more than once.
- What is pop culture? My pop culture involves whatever Beyonce just did, Janelle’s recent project, new plant based foods, and Jazmin putting me on to new plants, herbs, and fruits to try. That’s really it. I don’t have a clue about pop culture unless somebody sends me a tweet about it. It’s fascinating! Somebody should study this.
After pondering all of this, I wonder if this is a deeply rooted trauma/stress response. I wonder if this is my brain’s reaction to being overstimulated so it decided to shutter my attention. It’s difficult to have an opinion about events that you have no idea are happening. Imagine a house with a bunch of windows, but most of the shades are down and the house is dark. That is what my day to day brain is like. If it doesn’t get through the 3 windows that are open, I probably have no clue about what is going on.
If it involves Trump, I didn’t hear about it. And I don’t care to hear about it. At all. In any capacity. Unless you’re telling me that he is dead, I don’t care about whatever stupid thing he just did because I peeped the stupidity years ago along with all the other Black women. There are so many things that I genuinely don’t care about and I’m actively learning that the rest of y’all do care about these things. Further proof to support my theory that I’m an alien and this isn’t my planet.
Is this current revelation supposed to let me know that I need to zoom out and open couple more shades? Yes. It is. Clearly. But how do I open up the rest of the window shades without overloading myself with information coming at me from multiple sources? That is the question. And I don’t have an answer. Maybe I’ll get that answer in my next meditation. Until then, I’ll be very thankful for my friends that help keep me in this world. Without them, I’d have even less of a clue about what is going on in the world, and I’d be outside less frequently without the need of a pandemic.
Did it really take a pandemic for me to realize how isolated I am on a regular basis?
Anywho, I’m going to socially interact today, to the best of my ability. I’m not really sure where the lines between normal introversion and being a hermit are anymore these days.